My umi says…
Tomorrow may never come
For you or me
Life is not promised
Tomorrow may never show up
For you and me
This life is not promisedI ain’t no perfect man
I’m trying to do, the best that I can,
With what it is I have
Dear Internets…
Dear friends of the inter-connected networks. The Twitterers, the FaceBookers, the folks that have this page as part of their RSS feed, everyone still on my Hotmail e-mail blast list… How the hell are you?! Have you gone to any of the free concerts being held all around the city. I was able to catch Gil Scott-Heron at Central Park’s Summerstage. I will definitely be in the park on Sunday, August 15th for Public Enemy as they commemorate the 20th anniversary of their greatest album – ‘Fear Of A Black Planet‘.
Gil gave us some blues that makes me recall the oil spill in the Gulf.
How has the summer been treating you so far otherwise? Excellent, you look well. Me, not so much.
If you have recently looked at my face when I didn’t know you were watching me you have seen that I don’t smile as often. It isn’t anything that you have done per se. You’ve actually done your best to keep me in good spirits. You watch the videos that are produced by the ICs collectively and singularly, you also read the blog posts that we all generate in various online locations. You’ve done your part to keep us together on the web, but I still got the blues.
This could be that male menstruation thing that I read about somewhere and maybe I’m cycling thru that right now. Actually to be honest with all of you I know why I have the blues. I received an eviction notice from my home for the last almost 40 years. Not my co-operative apartment that acts as a warehouse for all my shit from action figures, to hundreds of pairs of sneakers and over twenty years of Polo Ralph Lauren clothing. Not my mother’s basement (which incidentally is now located in an Atlanta suburb called Marietta).
The home I’m referring to is Never-Never Land. I’ve been the steward of this place for as long as I can remember. Everyone that has come thru here during that time has pretty much deferred to me. They’ve allowed me to guide them on adventures that have been delightful, daring and sometimes deadly. Each year I welcome the next group of adventurers and we fly thru this land making our own rules and avoiding Captain Hook and his henchmen as best we can.
But then Tinkerbell came to me with the message that NeverLand was being developed as a resort island. There is no way I’m going to be able to avoid the bulldozers that will uproot all my favorite treehouses and cubbyholes. It’s finally time for me to grow up. Growing up isn’t about just paying bills on time, altho’ that is definitely something I will need to work on. Growing up is living your life in service of others. Family, friends and even total strangers. I’ve been a solo act all of my life. Even when I had a younger brother I was on my own shit. Even with a girlfriend I still went in my own direction at my own whims.
My life changed a bit when my father died, but my mother was still independent despite contracting multiple sclerosis. As she has become elderly and now invalid I am asked to assume the responsibility of the leader of my family unit. I have been a leader of the Lost Boys, but that isn’t how you lead a family. Leading the Lost Boys was still an exercise in selfishness. The boys that couldn’t keep up with my madness were cast off from NeverLand. If you didn’t have the courage to follow me into the mouth of the volcano I called you a coward and mocked you. I had no patience for those with fear.
I was like that because I had so much fear. I used to afraid of being alone. My mother left me alone a lot when I was young. I was raised by her grandmother. My mother was young and pretty and she had many suitors. I’m sure she loved my father because she married him and gave me his name, but his drug abuse demons drove her away. So as a young single mother trying to get by in New York City she had to leave me. For days and weeks and months my great-grandmother did her best to replace her granddaughter. And she did a wonderful job. My great-grandmother was a Scottish goddess named Beryl O’Loughlin.
I just returned to NYC from visiting my mother in Atlanta. Her condition is deteriorating after falling and breaking her hip last year. She isn’t able to walk any longer and the MS is stripping her nervous system of control of her life. I suppose I should start looking for a place in NYC that offers assisted living because she isn’t going to be able to remain in Atlanta for much longer when the family that is living with her has to go their own way. This is the sound of the bulldozers and excavators entering Never Land.
I brought my nephew with me to see his grandmother. He is the middle child of my kid brother’s 3 x 3 litter. 3 sons by 3 different mothers. This child is the only one of the three that I know. For various reasons of the American story that is how shit goes. I haven’t seen the child for over a year. He reminds me of my brother too. I have to make sure that my nephew doesn’t end up a Lost Boy. Not too many kids can get thru that period without gaining horrible scars or worse. I was lucky that I was smart and emotionally unavailable. He needs my help and I see this.
Now Peter Pan has to become a parent or dare I say a patriarch. I didn’t want this day to come because I never wanted to be responsible for anyone other than myself. So this is why I’ve got the blues. But the good thing about my blues is that it isn’t the song of defeat or humiliation. My blues is the song of redemption. My blues is the phoenix that rises from the ashes to spread its beautiful wings to the sky.
Onward.
Upward.
Excelsior.
17 Responses to I’ve Got The Blues…
atifl July 18, 2010
very very moving, hope all ends well for you man and you get through it. peace
WordsManifest July 18, 2010
that is indeed some real life shit, sir. good luck and godspeed.
khal July 18, 2010
keep doing you. the more you teach the babies, the more you will learn.
Dart_Adams July 18, 2010
I feel you on that. I can hear the bulldozers coming as well. Here's to the Lost Boys & Lost Girls still running around these internets with war paint on screaming out “BANGARANG!” @ the top of their lungs…
One.
Chris law July 18, 2010
its funny how life can show you a different purpose.. homie i applaud u.
LM July 18, 2010
You aren't leaving Neverland, it's in you. And you have been grown-up with responsibility for a long while. You contain multitudes, all to see is what shape the contradictions will take. Just keep moving. Prayers for your moms, brother, nephews…
DrewTek July 18, 2010
Damn..This one really hits home. Good luck with everything and you know we got your back!
Myles Marcus July 19, 2010
I know it's hard to say goodbye to Neverland but the time must come. My thoughts and prayers to yourself and family. Keep moving forward, and know that there are better days ahead.
Anonymous July 20, 2010
Damn, I was just about to write a piece for the ____ blog and figured I'd peep this out for entertainment in the meanwhile. Didn't work out quite like that.
I'll tell you this much: After having a not so great childhood and all that, I came home from where we all go, gladiator school, to have a new look on life.
Maw dukes passed right before I went in and I never had that chance to be there or really I was too selfish to realize she was on her last breaths.
But she left behind my lil half brother at age 7. When I came home he was 12 and scarred from what he been through since her department.
I made it my goal to be his overlooker like mawdukes asked.
Finally in 2005 I got custody of him through the state.
It's been more than rough and I'm broke as fuck and still languishing in between being a family man and actually being the man I want to be.
But I know if I wasn't here, this kid would be dead or locked up by now.
So yeah, it's worth it.
achalibrian July 20, 2010
Resurrection.
jglc July 22, 2010
Peace, Dallas. Can't say I didn't see it coming – but I know that joy is in you. Do right by others and be honest with yourself. If there's any fly shit I can flow your way [||] just let me know. I still owe you some funnybooks.
And if you ever get to writing that memoirs… here's one preordered already.
Chaunceydevega July 26, 2010
Damn. These are the moments when we have to grow up. I don't believe in the power of magic per se, but I do believe in the power of will, thought, and positive energy.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers are the latter are a way of transferring energy to balance out the messedupness of the universe.
chauncey devega
Djtrackstar July 26, 2010
Eff Real Life.
Ovidio Bowsprit July 26, 2010
Dallas,
You'll find the work may be harder, but the rewards are greater. Keep on keepin' on. And since you bring up Gil Scott Heron, you can at least be assured that the times do change, have changed. Whitey is no longer on the moon.
achalibrian July 27, 2010
I showed your stuff to one of my friends who hadn't heard of IC and first words out his mouth were, “he's like the black Michael Moore”.
That could be taken offensively of course, but with an open mind you can see the meaning behind his blurted out statement. There's a perfect balance with IC between entertainment and in depth political commentary on serious issues.
So my question is, aren't there any political/economic activist or educational groups/orgs who are looking for the type of thought provoking content on economic and social justice questions that you guys are producing?
The wild wild west days of the internet are seemingly coming to an end soon… if folks are going to be able to develop their “lost boys” ideas into grown men righteous sustainable projects everyone's going to need to go back to the old tactic of actually finding people to work with long term instead of all the hit it and quit it collaborative relationships we've seen in the past few years. That will mean crews actually working together from a place of shared long term vision, not just “I think ur shit is hot”. It's hard for me to see internet celebrities being truly sustainable on its own, but in the right supercrew it could be an essential job-protected piece of the puzzle… question is, where the Cyruses at?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DteP_VQK1Z8
achalibrian July 27, 2010
I showed your stuff to one of my friends who hadn't heard of IC and first words out his mouth were, “he's like the black Michael Moore”.
That could be taken offensively of course, but with an open mind you can see the meaning behind his blurted out statement. There's a perfect balance with IC between entertainment and in depth political commentary on serious issues.
So my question is, aren't there any political/economic activist or educational groups/orgs who are looking for the type of thought provoking content on economic and social justice questions that you guys are producing?
The wild wild west days of the internet are seemingly coming to an end soon… if folks are going to be able to develop their “lost boys” ideas into grown men righteous sustainable projects everyone's going to need to go back to the old tactic of actually finding people to work with long term instead of all the hit it and quit it collaborative relationships we've seen in the past few years. That will mean crews actually working together from a place of shared long term vision, not just “I think ur shit is hot”. It's hard for me to see internet celebrities being truly sustainable on its own, but in the right supercrew it could be an essential job-protected piece of the puzzle… question is, where the Cyruses at?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DteP_VQK1Z8
Dallas Penn August 10, 2010
O.B.,
I always get happy when I see you in the threads.